|
|
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
|
|
|
it's been a fair time since i've updated, so i felt i should
hello!
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, August 28th, 2003
|
| Time: | 10:26 pm. |
| Mood: |  calm. |
|
|
well it looks like it's winter already, soon be chriristmas then next christmas, time goes so quick. my boyfriend, Will, is away in kos with his family, they have their own house over there, he woun't be back until september the 18th and will be going to uni soon after, so it looks like i'm almost single again. I don't really know how i feel about it, i've been wanting some freedom for such a long time now, but it's complicated by this crush i have on someone else, i know how stupid it would be to get into another relationship so soon, and i think it would hurt Will even after he's gone. I think i'm best to take some time for myself, and let the dust settle a little.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, August 17th, 2003
|
|
|
|
my A-level results are abc , which doesn't really effect anything at the mo, as i am taking a year out anyway. I've never really talked about stuff like exam results of work or school in here, its like they ar on a different realm of my life which i don't think i feel necessary to include in my journal?
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, August 9th, 2003
|
|
Thursday, July 31st, 2003
|
|
|
|
I was going to try and explain my last entries, but i don't really want to. I’m going to Devon on saterday for a few days, I'm hoping it will give me some time to clear my mind. maybe then i can think a bit straighter.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
| Time: | 11:55 pm. |
| Mood: |  distressed. |
|
|
It's all suddenly come back to me, the intensity of wanting someone, the hunger, the unbearable vacuum. If i lived in the country i'd ask a wise owl what to do, but i live in london so i'll do nothing. It's a double edged sword, this feeling.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
today is Sunday, Sunday is my least favourite day of the week. It comes before Monday, Mondays used to mean school and now mean nothing, but the sentiment remains.
i discovered a contradiction in my beliefs about life. I have said before that i believe life is like a pendulum swinging from good to bad, that in bad times it's only a matter of time before things can get better again. But I also believe that in some peoples lives a short bright happy time in youth can cast the rest of that persons life into shadows. For example, in Tennessee Williams A streetcar named desire Blanche has one short time of happiness with her young husband and the rest of her life is plagued by disaster. She describes it as a bright light that nothing since has ever seemed brighter than a kitchen candle.
Sometimes i feel scared that i have already had my short burst of happiness, because although i am not unhappy now, nothing has ever come close to that short burst of happiness in the past.
sometimes I feel believing this is like knowing a terrible secret. The thing is, I can live with it, because i feel that inside i am content or balanced or something. I cant really put it into words, except by saying that 'i know who i am'. I accept what the world is, what the terrible truth is, and then i can to start to build my life in a sort of harmony with my self. I only hope i don't forget who i am one day during a middle aged crisis or something .
The problem is my two ideas on life don’t really go together. I feel they should but they don’t seem two, but i can’t choose between them, my opinion differs depending on mood. What i do no is that either way i don't feel depressed about it.
I believe in fate, but i also believe in life being what you make it. fate will push you in one direction, whether you choose to move that way or not is your choice.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
|
i feel to tired to do this at the moment, there's probably beter things to be doing, i should do them but i'll probably just watch tv zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, June 19th, 2003
|
|
|
Today the sky has been uncomfortable, i feel hot and cold all at once, my eyes are hot and tired. i have hay fever. euuuuuuk . I hate it when the weather is like this, cloudy with sunny intervals, it's also windy . It makes me feel lost. It also reminds me of bad summer camping holidays when someone irritating is saying "the suns trying to come out". I just want to curl up in a warm corner and sleep, but i have to go out and be polite to people.
Ok enough about the weather this is something i wrote as a comment in some one else's journal which i think sums me up quite well:
Depression is something i have delt with in the past, i felt that every day was pain and that there was no hope in the world that i would possibly find happiness when a) the world is so full of awfull things, b)i would never find anyone that as a friend would make me feel that i was not so alone. The feeling of being alone is for me my biggest weakness and my biggest strength. As a child i would not go and see other children in my spare time, instead i would escape into my own head, it seemed that there was more things inside me that could keep me occupied than any where else. i just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. as i grew older i realised that i did need friends, but i though that i would never de able to find anyone who i liked or who liked me or who would understand anything. every one in my family seemed unhappy and i could not see a future, i had no ambition, i could see no way out. me feeling alone became a weakness at this time. i saw girl's of my age cry about little things that got them sympathy from others, i begrudged the attention they got because it wasn't fair. There didn't seem to be any point in life i could see no reason to be alive. however as i have said it is human instinct which told me, no matter how much worse it could get(and i didn't believe and still don't believe it could have got worse) i would not and could not ever hurt myself .
After what seemed to a long time (about two years) i did find friends, although none of which i have ever truly not felt alone with, i grew happier(not happy but happier). it is my ability to be alone that is my strength which helps me through. there has been times when i have been happy beyond my dreams, these times have been when i can't tell the difference between my thoughts, my dreams, my fantasy's and reality. now i no life is worth living some of the time.
Every thing in life is a big circle, that is how we learn from mistakes, or we hope to learn, and yes, i do think it's pointless, but whether it is or not, we don't have a choice, we live. i think it's often best not to think about whether there's a point or not it's not like we can actually can find out. Just forget about it, stop trying, relax, i say, would it really change anything if you understood life anyway?
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
|
I've been trying to edit my user info but it just say's "one or more errors have occurred, you must be logged in to edit stuff" but i am logged in arrrrh.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
askthewiseowl's journal
okay.
drained.
contemplative.
tired.
frustrated.